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Currently Listening To: Sam Smith – I’m Not The Only One
I probably shouldn’t be writing this post now, but it feels like an appropriate time to do so. I’m sitting in my sweat drenched workout gear that I wore to the gym, hair up in a tousled ponytail and I only have on one shoe because in the mad dash from the door to my couch where my laptop laid, I only had time to take off one shoe along the way.
You’re probably thinking to yourself: A) Randa, why are you in such a rush to write this post? B) Girl… go take a shower.
Well, I would go take a shower first but I worry that all of my thoughts that raced through my head while on the treadmill will morph into one big clusterfuck leaving me upset and jaded. You’re probably feeling a little confused by this point. Lemme break it down for you in the shortest way I know how to. It’s taken me almost one week to write this post and every time I’ve had the chance to, no words hit the page. Remember the guy I was dating? The one from the Reality TV show? Well, he ended things a week ago. Since then I’ve gone through the “Hurt Process” that we all go through but I couldn’t seem to write my thoughts. I went from shocked to hurt, from hurt to confused and now from confused to mad. The worst phase of all! But alas, I feel inspired.
Let’s take it back a week. Things were going great (in my opinion), I mean I coulda used more passion and face time but life happens sometimes and he’s not one to be pushed. We decided to have “The Talk” since we were sitting in that awful grey area where you either move forward or end it. I’m not going to lay out all of my thoughts because this post will go on forever if I do. In short form – I thought it was going superbly well, we liked each other, I had (have?) strong feelings for him and I was ready for it to move forward and perhaps become an official couple. HE, on the other hand – saw it as completely different and fast forward to 2 days later I was sitting on my couch with the most uncomfortable expression on my face listening to him tell me he’s not ready to move forward – despite me being someone he can end up with – but he’s “lost” in life and needs balance – BLAH BLAH BLAH. Same shit I’ve heard time and time again. Man, if my couch could talk it wouldn’t let me hear the end of it lemme tell ya. All of the times I’ve sat on this couch only to receive major upsetting news that frankly, I’m not enough.
Now, not to discredit how he felt about where he’s at, I will say that out of all of the guys who have said the same lines to me – I believe he means it. Since I’ve known him I’ve heard stories about his life and career and to be honest I really should have seen this coming but I had my rose colored glasses on.
He told me how he felt and his words felt like they were hitting me in the face like a boxing glove. I didn’t even take the chance to tell him how I feel because by that point it really didn’t matter – there was no convincing him and I shouldn’t have to convince him to be with me. What a disappointment to go into a conversation thinking you’re about to be on the same page and then you get a bomb dropped on you. Even after we spoke about it, we spent about an hour together hanging out drinking tea… I mean.. what?! Why did we do that? Because we genuinely enjoy our time together that’s why…
Through the stages of shocked to hurt I confined in my just one or two of my girl friends, in fact some of you girls won’t even know this has happened until you read this post. (Sorry, but I just didn’t feel like talking about it). Unfortunately, while being in this stage, I spent the hours of 9am to 6pm with him at TED Talks (may I add, this was the next day) and even though I smiled and laughed with him – I was hurting – a lot. Thankfully the next day I hopped on a plane to Toronto and to think that would take my mind off of things, didn’t. Any cool thing that happened I wanted to tell him about but of course – when someone asks you for space, you can’t do that.
Side note – his definition of “space” was to ease off of the physical part of the relationship. So does that mean we’re only friends or you still see me as more but don’t want to confuse things? I’M CONFUSED.
Through the second stages of hurt to confused I was winding down from my trip and heading home. It did NOT help that I had to sit beside the most obnoxious – into each other couple for the next 5 hours home. To top it off, I watched “Begin Again” … that movie is so emotional!!! Why didn’t anyone warn me!!??
So here I am, I haven’t shed a tear yet through this whole thing, I have on a movie that is about to make me hate life and the couple from the notebook is sitting beside me. Cue waterworks. FUCK. Nooooo! Seriously, universe? You’re going to have me cry now? On the PLANE?! You’ve had like 4 days to let me cry but you decide to have it happen how many thousands of feet in the sky where I have no where to escape since I’m sitting in a window seat. Breathe – don’t cry – you have a unopened Kit Kat bar in your carry on. Eat it and be happy.
I didn’t cry but I did well up a few hundred times. This morning I hit the stage of confused to mad. I was running on the treadmill listening to Sam Smith (I know, who does that?) and it hit me like a ton of bricks! I was maaaaaaad. How could someone who says to you “You’re someone I can see myself being with” throw it all away?? Like I’m not that special!? You would throw all of that I have to offer you away and all of the feelings you have for me away because of something you don’t know will happen in the future. I’m understand you’re feeling “lost’ but guess what, we’re all lost and none of us know where we’re going. I don’t even know what will happen to me in a week and you’re sticking your thumb in your ass for something you don’t even know will happen 6 months from now?
I never really understood how people can’t work on themselves and their life paths with another person. Ya know what I mean? Unless you’re completely messed up and really need to work on yourself, which I don’t think he does because he’s pretty self aware. Isn’t it part of the process who have someone with you, guiding you, supporting you, helping you make the right choices to get you where you need to be? Somebody who loves you unconditionally that only wants to see you succeed.
Time and time again I feel like I’m chasing rainbows. This beautiful thing in front of me, so pretty in sight but so unobtainable and when searching for the end… there isn’t one. He reminds me of the little boys that I used to play with on my block. We used to collect rocks and they would always go for the dull ones that didn’t seem very special, if they came across a shiny one they always gave it to me because I liked them, reminded me of diamonds.
He’s just another boy who threw away a diamond to play with rocks.
Photos by Sarah Boland.
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